News/Events - Judy Strong

BOOKS by
JUDY STRONG

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A Child's Grief: Surviving the Death
of a Parent
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No Time to Grieve
A Survivor’s Guide to Loss and Healing
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Your Wake Up Moments
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Living By Design Newsletter

Newsletter Archive

The Interruption of Life

Celebrate Today!

Your New Foundation — YOU

Building a Life — By Accident or Design

The Interruption of Life

Imagine the best possible life for yourself. Perhaps it's the life you have right now. All you've ever dreamed about has come true and you feel contented and satisfied.

Think about the component parts of that perfect life, how they formed and grew, and how you carefully constructed pieces until they fit together.

Now visualize your life in images. Picture a typical day and walk through it, beginning with a beautiful warm sunny morning, as you awaken to a refreshed and energized you.

Is this a fairy tale? Do all your dreams ever come true? Can you remember what you dreamed about when you were small?

When we're young children, our heads are filled with grand ideas. Illusions of heroes and heroines stimulate our imaginations , inspiring play that resembles ancient tales of bravery and romance.

As we grow and become more familiar with the real world, those dreams are shaped into specific ideas about careers, life styles, and personal aspirations.

How did we make it happen? What works, what falls apart? Do you pursue your dreams on your own terms and intuition? If you're like most of us, you assign parts of your dreams and ideas to others, often with disastrous results.

When calamity strikes, your most vital resource is your inner strength, your core of knowledge regarding who you are. How do you approach problems? What are your priorities? What is happening to you, where do you want to be, and how are you going to get there?

Begin today to identify and affirm your personal knowledge base. Self-assessment includes assets and liabilities. Where do you need guidance and to whom will you turn? Consider this a journal, a master plan, or simply a notebook of ideas, but begin to fill your head again with grand ideas about who you are. Imagine your best possible life and give yourself time and energy to build it. Whether you are in the midst of a crisis, or simply wanting to grow and change, it starts with you.

Celebrate Today!

My last newsletter centered on rebuilding a life, a task that presents itself whenever change or crisis interrupts our routine. Today I'm introducing a new concept and a new look, Living By Design.

The ideal for reconstruction and moving forward is to design a new life based on purpose and intention, thoughtfully considering wants, needs, and desires. So lean back and get ready to take a look at an innovative method for understanding yourself and rebuilding your life- by design, not accident.

Your New Foundation – YOU

Our comfort zone develops over a period of time, honing the original draft each time our routine is tweaked. A small change in scheduling, someone's crisis or demand for attention, or the world just not cooperating, gives rise to second thoughts about our "perfect" life. So we make changes by bits and pieces.

Then one day trauma strikes. The whole structure comes crashing down around us, and we're exposed to the elements of fear, anxiety, bewilderment, and pain. It's at that point that we realize we have no preparation for managing crisis. Lack of knowledge yields lack of confidence, and yet, we must cope and make decisions. Our own wellbeing is a top priority, because clear thinking will take us from chaos to stability.

The very idea of rebuilding your life may be uncomfortable at this time. When we lose something or someone whose presence is necessary to our wellbeing, there is resistance to moving forward. We don't want to rebuild; we want things to be the way they were. In our minds, the only way to restore order is to go back, not forward. If we've lost a loved one, going on may seem like we're leaving that indispensable person behind, but that isn't the case. We bring that person with us, in heart and mind, remembering, cherishing, and affirming that this person's presence is a permanent fixture in our lives. That they are no longer physically present is what has to be reckoned with and acknowledged. If we've lost a part of our life style, we have acquired skills that remain available for rebuilding a new life.

Designing your new life begins with intent. "I will move forward on my terms. The ball is in my court. I'll decide when play begins," affirms that your confidence level is sufficient to choose design over accident. Decisions are being made, with or without our consent. It isn't fair, it is trauma.

What if you don't feel so confident, so decisive that you can begin to design your new life? Our wellbeing, as a priority, takes on a life of its own. "Getting to know you" may very well be applied to ourselves. How well do we really know ourselves? What is our coping style? Do we begin to fall apart? Make a to-do list? Or call a good friend? Maybe we claim a little of each. But at the end of the day, do we handle things to our own satisfaction? Sometimes I feel like I'm standing on one foot, about to fall over. Too much to do, too much to manage, too much of everything! How do we get that other foot firmly on the ground?

Learning to balance is a highly desired skill. Ballet, yoga, and just plain living require it. Planting both feet on the ground and keeping them there starts with that very familiar line I just quoted: "Getting to know you." Getting to know yourself from the inside out means Stopping, Listening, and Caring. Most of us give more time and attention to others than to ourselves. Give this your utmost consideration, and begin to practice Life Balance. It's the beginning of Living by Design.

My book, "No Time to Grieve A Survivor's Guide to Loss and Healing," addresses these very ideas. Moving from mourning to new life is outlined, step by step, giving information and comfort, the two things you need first.

But there is more that you can do to complete your personal design. My new website will reflect the changes that have occurred in my life, and the ideas that evolved from those changes. The basic optimism in me prevails and it's my desire to share it with you.

The Courage to Grow From Mourning to New Life is a CD program I created for Living By Design that is a dynamic life-building tool. Other growth, change and comfort services and products are in the making.

As always, I wish you well. May this brighten your day and give you food for thought. Sharing what I have learned is my way of giving back. It's a privilege to communicate with you.

Judy

January 2009

Building a Life - By Accident or Design

Today, I want to share ideas about a very important aspect of grief and loss — rebuilding your life. Whether we want it to or not, this process begins immediately, following the death of a loved one.

When you lose that one person you can't live without, the pain is unbearable. That person with whom you built a life and a relationship is now physically unavailable, and the nurturing and sustenance you relied on is gone. Languor settles over you that is beyond sadness, and the first pangs of grief are born.

In the center of a crisis, your new life begins. Decision-making becomes an exclusive responsibility, without the counsel of the person whose wisdom you cherish. Have you sat and wondered what that person would advise about a particular situation? Has an idea popped into your head that is "so like" your loved one? Holding fast to every aspect of that person is all you can think about. But there is no opportunity for dialogue, for the exploring of ideas. You reach for a steady hand, and realize you are alone.

The practicality of life is that things have to get done. Schedules for work, family, or personal interests are on clipboards or computers, scraps of paper, or in our heads, and we respond to their demands. "I have to be somewhere in a half hour", "I have a meeting tonight", "the kids need a ride" rule our lives. Then someone dies and none of it matters. It pales by comparison, except that commitments have been made and responsibilities need to be met.

We begin making decisions immediately. Some things can't wait, and so we shoot from the hip. We are beginning to build a new life before we're ready, and without much thought or expert advice. Our new life is happening by accident.

How do we, then, begin to build a life by design? Let's look at four considerations that can become the blueprint for a new life.

1. Imperatives
What must be addressed now? Money matters, medical issues, legal situations, children, housing are all items that need immediate attention. Ask experts and/or professionals for good, solid advice. Here is where well-meaning friends and relatives may not know what's best for you. Their experiences may have nothing in common with yours. Thank them politely, and then listen to the experts.

2. Keepsakes
Consider carefully what you want to keep from your relationship with your loved one. What sustains you, what do you cherish that needs to be tucked away in your treasure chest?

Your treasured keepsakes will help you decide how to re-order your life. Think deeply about each one, remember its significance, and determine how to include its core value in any decisions you make. For example: a shared interest in music may encourage you to continue to buy season tickets to the symphony, using the second ticket to invite a friend or family member to join you.

3. Change
Major changes (job, residence) should be given a lot of thought, and the rule of thumb is to wait a year for important decisions, but you can start to explore possibilities.

Taking up a new hobby or joining a special interest group that appeals to you is ideal, now that you are alone. The personal growth will be stimulating and positive, and meeting new people enables you to better manage the sense of isolation that comes with grief.

4. Dream
Allow yourself to dream new dreams. Designing a new life will be awkward. You didn't plan it or ask for this event in your life. But it has happened, and moving forward affirms that living fully can occur even though we are alone. The memories of loving and being loved created an individual with a sense of the goodness and sustainability of a purposeful life.

I encourage you as you move forward and struggle to rebuild your life. As always, I wish you well. My life's design included all of the above considerations, not always in order, but carefully crafted as to my well-being and growth. Seek wisdom and support from others, and give freely.

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EVENTS

Summer book tour August 2010. Exciting events are
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