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A Child's Grief: Surviving the Death
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A Survivor’s Guide to Loss and Healing
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A Child's Grief: Surviving the Death of a Parent

by Judy Strong

Chapter One: THE EVENT OF DEATH

The death of a loved one wreaks devastation on those who are left to grieve. It burdens the mind and tries the spirit as the grieving grapple with the question "Why?" No one wants to talk about death until a life is lost. Then grievers can't talk enough. Then there aren't enough people to listen to the anguish, the step-by-step details of their loved one's demise.

When a child learns that a parent has died, the immediate response is the same as an adult's-intense pain, bewilderment, and anger. Yet often, no one knows how to help such a child. No one draws him out, no one explains to her what happened, no one tells him why, and no one gives her assurance that she will be okay. Simply saying, "Everything will be all right," isn't sufficient. A child needs specifics. He needs to knowwho will take care of him, and who will do the things that the parent did. And, deep inside, a child wants to know who will love her. Young children identify most strongly with their parents. When a child loses a parent, a hero is fallen. A champion is gone. According to Doug Manning, author of, "Don't Take My Grief Away," children judge their relation to the world by the parents' responses, so that "losing a parent feels like losing the world." Someone such children counted on to give them love and acknowledgment is missing and their worldviews will never be the same.

How can society help grieving children? Let's look at the impact of death on a young child and see what happens to his world.

Imagine a usually vivacious, inquisitive boy named Johnny. Johnny lost his father last week. The car in which his father was riding was struck head on by a drunk driver. Seven-year old Johnny can't understand what has happened. He only knows that his mother is very sad and Daddy won't be coming home.

The house has been filled with people since that awful day. Neighbors come with hot dishes and cakes, family members he hasn't seen since Christmas are arriving by car or airplane, and Mommy's best friends have been in and out all week. Everyone is crying.

Johnny can't cry. His stomach feels queasy but the tears won't come. Sometimes his head feels like a block of wood, and his breath comes in little sighs. Mommy tells him it's all right to cry, but he can't.

Johnny's mother finds it difficult to talk about the accident. Tears stream down her face and her hands open and close as she struggles to comfort her child. Embracing him, she holds him tightly, pressing his face against her body, until he suddenly leans backward and gulps in a breath of air.

"I can't breathe," he cries.

"Sometimes I can't either," his mother admits.

Snuggling together, they whisper about silly things, the day's events and whether to have hot dogs or pizza for supper. The need for warmth wins out over their hunger pangs, and they cuddle awhile longer, heads together, stroking one another's hands and face. Johnny still doesn't understand why his father died.

How do we understand the pain a child feels when a parent dies? How do we help? Generally, it was thought that children, especially young children, couldn't understand-and, therefore, didn't experience-the pain of death and loss. Children's needs were largely glossed over, dismissed with a simple, "You'll get over it. Soon you won't even remember your mother/father any more." Unfortunately, this simply isn't so.

The first few weeks are a blur for Johnny. He can't seem to get his mind to focus on what has happened. Everything he knew and understood about life is either gone or so distorted that it is unrecognizable to him. People have stopped coming, Mom is back at work every afternoon, and Grandma and Grandpa try to make each day "normal" and pleasant. But Johnny knows everything has changed. One person is missing, someone who will never be back, and he can't stop wondering how that can be. How can people just disappear? How can they go away and leave us?

For a child like Johnny, the fact of death is difficult to grasp, but the consequences on his life are painfully real. His mother has to look for a better job. Her part-time work won't begin to make up for the loss of his father's income. Grandma and Grandpa, two of his favorite people, will stay for a while, "until things settle down," but soon they'll return to their home eight hundred miles away. He'll miss them. Talking on the phone isn't the same as sitting on a lap, snuggling together and reading a book. Why did Daddy leave?

Responding to this and other hard questions will take thought and consistent answers. An initial discussion should simply include telling the child what has happened. It should also assure the child of who will take care of him or her. Physical contact and continual assurance will begin to build a foundation of security that the child so desperately needs.

Talking about what has happened to us, and how we feel is difficult for everyone. As the child begins to respond, he or she may begin questioning the meaning of death in general and expressing his own feelings in particular.

The age range for my children was fifteen to twenty-five years old when they lost their father. Their grief and sense of loss was deep, and I wasn't sure how to comfort them. Though we talked openly about their dad and the circumstances surrounding his hospitalization and death, they experienced tremendous feelings of helplessness and confusion. Time and attention from friends and family members help relieve those feelings, but a suffering child is preoccupied with sadness and bewilderment for the better part of every day.

Before she heads home with Grandpa, Grandma takes Johnny on her lap, smoothes his hair, and assures him that she and Grandpa will be there to give comfort to "our wonderful daughter and precious Johnny."

"You'll feel better in time," she assures him, but Johnny can only think how he feels right now.

Loneliness and bewilderment occupy Johnny's mind, and his heart feels heavy. Unable to grasp the meaning of loss, he struggles to put the pain and confusion aside, but they persist, and he drags through each day.

School, once a pleasurable place for this bright boy, has become a long daydream, as Johnny tries to concentrate on ideas that no longer interest him. His teacher understands, but encourages him to pay attention and participate in class.

"You're one of my best students," she says, smiling kindly at him. "Let's think about the lesson for now."

Johnny tries, but his concentration level is low, and his mind wanders to the moment when he learned of his father's death. He had stepped down from the school bus, excited about a new science project that had piqued his interest, and promised to stimulate his mind over the next four weeks. As one of three team leaders, he was assigned to chart the growth of his group's seedlings, with the teacher's help. Pride and excitement filled him, and he had eagerly run to his mother to share the good news.

His mother had been standing in her usual place, a few feet from the bus stop, but her expression puzzled Johnny. Instead of a big smile, she had a serious and sad look on her face. As they walked to the car, she gently told him of the accident. By the time they reached the car, both were crying and, as Johnny climbed into the back seat, his mother regretted beginning the awful story until they got home. The short ride to their house was quiet; they both breathed in little gasps and sniffled into tissues. Though afraid and bewildered, at seven, Johnny lacked the ability to express it. He simply asked, "When is my dad coming back?"

Since that terrible day, Johnny's image of his mother's face and the words she spoke are etched in his brain. Every attempt to concentrate is pushed aside as this image arises spontaneously. His struggle to move past this image wears him out, leaving him even more tired and frustrated. Finally, Johnny stops trying. His enjoyment of school diminishes, and he simply walks through the paces, waiting for the ring of the bell that signals he can go home and rest.

Schools are often short both on time and trained staff, and so can't adequately handle the many problems that arise within the school community, including the special needs of children who have recently lost parents. When children are coping with loss, grief, or trauma, their ability to learn is impaired. They then have diminished educational experiences, working below grade level standards. An open, alert mind is overshadowed with a sense of sadness and insecurity. When grieving children act out, their problems can be identified and hopefully addressed. When grieving children hold in the strong emotions, their deeply rooted problems may go unrecognized for years. Children, like adults, will find ways to manage their pain, but holding it in takes energy and the negative consequences of carrying this burden can be enormous.

Johnny's teacher sends notes to his mother, keeping her informed of Johnny's low mood and his hampered progress. Though his mother appreciates the notes, she feels inadequate to motivate her son, although she makes a brave effort.

"I have an idea," she suggests brightly one day. "Each evening, after supper, we'll talk about our day and share stories."

At first, Johnny isn't interested in talking about his day at school. He wants to forget it as soon as he gets home. But his mother urges him, and so they begin a routine of sharing every evening. It's just the two of them now, and Johnny's awareness of what it means to live without his dad is becoming more apparent every day. Joking and bragging a little, he tells his mother of several incidents he wishes he could share with his father. Each time, Johnny experiences the sadness of loss.

Johnny's understanding of death has come largely from movies, comics, and TV, none of which really represent what it feels like to lose a parent. His inability to fully understand what has happened, his continual preoccupation with unanswered questions, and his lingering sense of abandonment will put a damper on any enthusiasm Johnny can muster. As we will see, the healing process will be long, and our willingness as friends or family members to "stay with it" will greatly impact the outcome. Being present and listening is the single most important key to a child's healing

Dr. Robert Stevenson, in his essay '''I thought About Death All the Time . . .'': Students, Teachers, and the Understanding of Death" (in Bereaved Children and Teens: A Support Guide for Parents and Professionals, edited by Earl Grollman), emphasizes the changes that may take place when children grieve. Because children experience a variety of emotions, they may experience behavioral changes in all areas of their lives, including both at home and at school.

As we saw with Johnny, a drop in school performance is often an indication that a child is struggling with grief and/or trauma. After his dad's death, Johnny experienced a drop in concentration levels because of his grief, he lost the pleasure he once had for learning, and he could no longer maintain his attention long enough to participate in classroom activities.

Schools that offer information or referrals to families facing difficult family situations may alleviate the academic decline so often accompanying grief or trauma. My two sons lost their father when they were a freshman and a junior in high school. After their father died, in early January, their ability to concentrate dropped and, consequently, so did their grades. A program that addressed both the emotional and the academic difficulties they were facing might have given them a boost as they struggled to maintain their academic records.

For the elementary school child, the effects of grieving can often affect the acquisition of language skills, while for the adolescent, mathematics and the sciences suffer, according to Stevenson. In both cases, it isn't unusual for a child's grades to drop and his interest in school to wane. Coping with feelings takes considerable energy, and an athletic child may simply forget about sports that once were central to her recreation. Educational systems obviously need to look at ways to address such problems, because a child's life-long learning will be adversely affected if the troubles associated with grieving the loss of a parent are left unchecked.

Some negative behaviors that children might exhibit in school and that evidence sadness and mourning include chronic lateness or truancy and displaying an argumentative attitude. Some children become accident-prone or indulge in vandalism. Self-injurious behavior is not uncommon. Grieving people, children and adults alike, find ways to cope with the incredibly difficult feelings thrust upon them. Some bury it deep within themselves, and continually struggle to push it down. Others act out, putting themselves at risk for consequences that may include injury or punishment. The grieving child needs sensitive, informed adults who can listen and help them make wise, constructive choices.

A classroom project to introduce children to the subject of death can begin with just a story. Reading a book about the death of an animal or a person is a comfortable setting for children. The story may be followed with play-acting or using puppets to act out the situation. Invite the children to talk about their own experiences with death.

"I wish Dad could go to the park with us. He always used to push me on the swings and play ball with me," Johnny says one day.

"I know," his mother responds. "I miss those outings, too. But we can still go to the park, and I'll try to catch the ball, if you promise to be patient with me."

Johnny's mother is eager to maintain the fun activities that bonded Johnny to his dad. Her own feelings of sadness make it hard to convey a picture of enjoyment and relaxation. But she is determined to put some joy back into their lives. Johnny is preoccupied with the sadness of the present moment. And he has fears about his future. What if Mommy dies? What will happen to me? Who will take care of me?

Asking his mother these questions elicits a mixed reaction from her.

"Nothing's going to happen to me, Johnny," she says firmly. "There will always be someone to take care of you."

Though she seems confident, Johnny isn't convinced. Dad was supposed to take care of them and look what happened.

Sensing her son's fears, his mother smiles warmly and, putting her arms around him, says, "I've made sure of your care, Johnny. We'll talk about it tonight."

Significant loss affects all children, but to a young child like Johnny, healing results from the comfort he receives and the sense of security that he feels from those caring for him. The deep sense of feeling secure and of belonging that characterized his worldview when his father was alive has been altered and he has no idea how to "make it right." He simply has to trust that the people who love him will take care of it.

Some children don't receive that necessary caretaking. Their sense of security is compromised, lost in the wake of grieving adults who also are hungry for understanding and comfort. Because an adult often has other people in his or her life from whom to seek comfort, he often does not realize what his child needs, or how to answer the questions that plague him. To the young child love, devotion and loyalty arise almost exclusively in the immediate family. The young child's circle is considerably smaller than the adult's, and one missing piece leaves a visible hole in the security system. A child who feels alone and abandoned may struggle a lifetime to understand what happened.

Mary was six years old when her father died. The youngest of three children, and the only girl, her siblings were grown and in college when her father died of a massive heart attack. She remembers coming downstairs to find everyone crying. Afraid and bewildered, she felt alone in the world. Friends and relatives were busy taking care of things, leaving the little girl to wonder what was happening and who would take care of her. Neighbors took turns looking after her but in the midst of the turmoil she lost her sense of security and her grounding in life. The funeral served to reinforce her sense of uncertainty and bewilderment. She didn't want to cry, but felt people were looking at her, wondering why she showed no emotion. Today, Mary sees the ramifications of that early trauma in her own life and those of her children.

When children like Mary lose their attachment to those who are responsible for them, they become uncertain about what matters. Because they feel helpless and alone, they have difficulty making life decisions as they mature. A "let life happen" philosophy can result, in which meaning and purpose are undermined because the development of personal regard and security has been interrupted.

Years of struggling with the why of her own life have helped uncover some of the mystery of that early crisis in Mary's life. But she still finds the concept of closure elusive. None of the adults present in her life when her father died can tell her today if they recognized her needs and feelings as important, or whether her present sense that she (and her feelings) were overlooked is accurate. Growth and wisdom allow her to see things differently, but a sense of loss and abandonment has pervaded her life, and its effects remain a constant in family dynamics.

Ideally, the growing years are filled with wonder. Learning experiences, a deepening sense of self-awareness, and family stability have a positive influence on a child's growth and development. It is especially enriching if both parents are present. Bonding takes place, security and interdependence are instilled in the child, and when she or he leaves the nest, "home" remains to which they can always return.

A breech occurs when one parent dies. Abandonment, always felt, if not completely understood, becomes a major issue for children of all ages. Someone indispensable is gone and the child is simply not equipped to handle the emotional impact of loss.

Consider Johnny. An array of emotions ranges over Johnny's mind. His family is also suffering the loss of his father, and Johnny is reluctant to "pester" them with questions. And frankly, adults still are afraid to think about the subject of death, so they hurry through their answers, or avoid them altogether. In this respect, they continue to deny openness to children whose feelings need to be acknowledged.

What will happen to Johnny if his deep need for security and understanding goes unmet? His feelings will become buried, and energy will be devoted to thinking about how much he misses his father. Processing grief with so many unanswered questions will increase his sense of abandonment and sadness, emotions that may linger throughout his lifetime. As time goes by, a child like Johnny can become stuck in the emotional quagmire of the traumatic event. If he comes to know that he is not alone in his sorrow, he will be able to establish a connection with someone he can trust with his needs and questions.

Connecting with a child who has lost a parent is vital to the child's sense of well being, and is the beginning of healing. Uncertainty on the part of the adult can be alleviated with a few constructive ideas that generate conversation and offer activities they can share.

Bringing laughter into a child's life fosters healing and, though there are no magical solutions, a relaxed, fun-filled afternoon at the park, the zoo, or a ballgame works wonders for a child who feels isolated and disinterested in normal activities.